Scared

Angels Among Us 

Alabama

Scared

“Mommy, I’m scared.”

“I know, Honey,” Annie’s mom replied. “All that thunder and lightning can be really scary! It used to frighten me every time when I was your age. But you know what?”

“What, Mom?”

“Well, one night when it was really, really stormy, I told my mom that I was scared. My mom and I went to the window to see what was happening. The lightening flashed. The sky light up! We waited a few seconds, we counted, and the thunder boomed!  Then it happened again. And again. We realized that, even though it seemed scary at first, it was actually really beautiful to watch. Kind of like fireworks from Heaven! My mom also told me that it was always best not to go out when there was lightning and thunder, though. Just watch is from inside. So we did – every time there was a storm. Now, I love to watch – and remember that night with my own mom.”

“Can John Henry watch, too?”  John Henry was Annie’s trusty teddy bear. They were almost always together, and they talked a lot.

“Of course,” Mom answered. “I bet he’d love those fireworks from Heaven.” Together the three of them went to the window and watched as the thunderstorm rolled across the sky, over their home and away into the night.

Later, as she was falling asleep, John Henry told Annie that he had enjoyed watching the lightning and hearing thunder with her and Mom. He told her that she never had to feel afraid as long as he was there to help protect her. They talked a little more, but finally, Annie hugged her teddy and fell sound asleep with a smile on her face.

“Daddy, I’m scared.”

It was Halloween. “I know, Sweetie,” Annie’s dad replied. “It kinda scares me, too. But that’s what Halloween if all about. It’s scary and it’s fun. And, by the time we get home, your trick-or-treat bag will be full of goodies! We might even get home in time for you to share our treats with other kids who come to the door.”

Annie was dressed in her favorite Moana costume. She and her dad talked more about Halloween. They talked about the different kinds of costumes they might see. Some might look scary, as she thought. But others might be beautiful princesses or super heroes. Sometimes boys, especially, liked to dress up on sports uniforms, and girls became ballerinas. Sometimes, it was just the opposite! Anything to surprise people when they came to the door with treats.

She and her dad started their walk around the neighborhood to trick-or-treat. It wasn’t quite dark yet, but there were already a lot of other kids going from door to door. She knew that Halloween was fun, and that she’d have way too much candy by the time they got home, but there was still that lingering sense of fear. Exciting fear. She was glad that her daddy was there with her, though. She was also glad that John Henry was tucked inside her goodie bag, as well.

Thinking back to their conversation, Annie said, “That’s just what John Henry said, too, Daddy. Did you guys talk?”

Annie’s dad smiled. Yes, we do, he thought; we talk a lot. Together, the three of them went to just about every house on the block, Annie knocking on doors, collecting way too many treats, happy and safe in each other’s company.

“Mommy and Daddy, I’m scared.”

The family was sitting at the dinner table. It was early September and the new school year was about to begin. Annie would be going into 1^st grade. There would be new kids in her class, and a new teacher. Mom and Dad could see that Annie was almost in tears.

Although Mom and Dad had a pretty good idea what was making her afraid, Daddy asked, “Why are you afraid, Sweetie?”

“I’m afraid to go to school. Mandy was my best friend, but she moved away. Mrs. Jones was my favorite teacher, but this year, I’ll have a new teacher who I don’t know. And the bus is going to be super big. And in 1^st grade, it gets really hard! That’s what all the kids say. Really hard. And……”

“Whoa, Kiddo!” Mom interrupted. “Let’s talk about this.” So they did. Mom, Dad and Annie talked about all the things which were bothering Annie as the new school year started. They talk about friends. Yes, Mandy’s family had moved, and she would be at a new school, but she was still close enough for play dates almost any time. Mrs. Jones had been a wonderful Kindergarten teacher. Maybe the family could meet Annie’s new teacher before the first day so that they could get to know each other a little bit. Annie liked that idea.

Dad said that he had seen the bus making practice runs through the neighborhood. He said that it looked like the very same bus from last year; maybe Annie would be able to sit in the same seat she had last year – next to Jack, their next door neighbor who was going into 3^rd grade. Another good idea.

As for schoolwork, Mom said, “We are here to help if you need us!” “Yep,” said Dad, “and don’t forget John Henry! He can go to school in your backpack and remind you of all the things your teacher said.” That was the best idea yet, Annie thought. “I can do that!” John Henry whispered into Annie’s ear.  She was relieved – at least a little bit, at least for the moment. At least she had a plan.

Later that evening, when Annie was all tucked into bed, she and John Henry had a conversation. You see, John Henry was her teddy bear, and her friend, her confidant. But he was more than that. Much more. John Henry was her Guardian Angel. We all have one, and sometimes we realize that. But usually, our Guardian Angels just do their job and we don’t pay any attention. That was not the case with John Henry and Annie. The first time they met, he winked, she smiled, and they just knew. The two of them were instant best friends. Annie wasn’t even sure if her mom and dad really understood, but that was OK. They both talked to him, too, especially when Annie wasn’t around.  Annie had her mom, her dad, and her Angel to protect her.

“Daddy, I’m scared.”

“What’s up, Kiddo?” her dad asked.

“It’s so dark in my room! It kinda makes me not want to close my eyes cuz it’ll get even darker.”

“Ahhhh….,” said her father. “Why do you think the dark scares you? And what can we do about it?”

Annie went on to tell her dad that when it was so dark, even though she knew there were no monsters under her bed, she thought she heard noises. And even though John Henry was right there with her, she sometimes felt alone. And when it was so dark, and she closed her eyes to sleep, all she could see were things that made her want to open her eyes. And as tight as she could hold on to John Henry, she still wanted her mom and dad to hold her, too.  It seemed as though she said all of this in one single breath!

Dad held her close. Then he said, “Let me and John Henry take a look around your room. We’ll make sure that there is nothing here to make any noises. Then I’ll get that cute seashell night light and put it over here – near your closet. We’ll say our prayers. I’ll give you a great big snuggle-hug and make sure that John Henry does, too. And when I leave, we’ll leave your door just a little bit cracked so you’ll be able to call mom and me. Then let’s make sure that John Henry is right there under the blankets with you. How does that sound?”

Annie thought that sounded fine. So that’s what they did.

Once everybody was sure that there was nothing  noisy, the night light was lit, the door was cracked, prayers were said, there were hugs all around and John Henry was well tucked in, Dad gave Annie a final good-night kiss and left the room.

“I like it when you say that “Angel of God, my guardian dear” prayer,” John Henry whispered after dad had left. “I know that you are talking to me.” Then after a short conversation, Annie drifted off to a sound sleep.

Time passed.  School was going well. The school bus was fine. Annie missed Mandy, but they were able to play from time to time.  Sometime during that year, Annie got sick. It started slowly, but she seemed to get worse little by little. Mom and Dad took her to see the doctor who sent her to another doctor who sent her to yet another doctor. She wasn’t getting better.

“I’m scared.”

This time it was Annie’s dad talking. Her and Mom were sitting with Annie’s newest doctor.  He was telling them about the tests which doctors did to find out what was making Annie so sick. The doctor looked and sounded worried. His face and voice worried Mom and Dad. The doctor was using a lot of medical terms which Mom and Dad were just beginning to understand. The word which they did understand and which came through the loudest was ‘cancer.’

What Mom and Dad also understood was that Annie would need more tests. The doctors needed to do a CAT scan, and, depending on everything else, Annie probably, maybe, might need chemotherapy, as well. Daddy was holding Mom, and they both held John Henry very tight. The doctor had talked to a lot of other parents, and he tried hard to reassure Annie’s parents that all the doctors and nurses would do everything they could to make her better.

Before long, it was time for Annie’s CAT scan. This would take pictures and let the doctors know more about Annie’s tumor. Annie lay in a gurney, although she didn’t know the name of the rolling bed. She was holding on to – yep, John Henry. Mom and Dad were walking beside her. When she was rolled into the room and saw the great big machine she had to go into, she giggled.

“What’s so funny?” Mom asked.

“Everything is inside out!” Annie said. “They are going to take a picture of me – except they are taking a picture of the inside of me. And instead of sitting in front of the camera, I have to go inside it. Goofy! I go inside it so it can take a picture of my insides.”  Then she handed her teddy bear to her dad, lay back on her rolling bed, and slipped in the giant inside-out camera.

Mom and Dad had to smile, as well. “Wow!” her daddy said. “That’s a great way to look at it! How did you think of that?”

“Oh, John Henry and I talked about all this. He explained it to me so I wouldn’t be too sacred. Now, I am only a little bit.”

Mom and Dad had even bigger smiles, now. Then they turned and went outside. Annie rolled into the big machine.

Before long, conversations turned to chemotherapy. The doctor wanted to be sure that the whole family was prepared. Chemo is never fun, and for a little one, it can be really hard. The doctor talked to Mom, Dad and Annie. Mom and Dad talked to Annie more afterwards. Through it all, they wanted to be sure that she knew that she would never be alone. They would go though it all together. The family, the doctors and nurses were a team.

The scans and all the other tests came back. The family talked with the doctor again. It was time to schedule and start chemo. They knew that this would be a rugged time for such a young girl. Before bed each night, there were questions, prayers, hugs, and night lights. Many nights, either Mom or Dad fell asleep beside Annie as she held John Henry close.

Finally, it was the first day of chemotherapy. Mom and Dad were very nervous, but they tried not to show it. Annie, on the other hand, was much less so.

“OK, then,” Mom said as they all climbed into the car to head to the hospital. “Are we all ready?”

As they drove through the neighborhood and headed toward the hospital, Annie started the conversation. “I know you guys are scared,” she said, “I am too, but not as much as I used to be. John Henry and I had a talk last night after you went to sleep. He explained it to me again….”

Annie went on to say that chemo was like the CAT scan; it was all backwards. She said that John Henry told her to think of it as a shower. Only inside out. She loved to take showers and baths. This time, though, the ‘soap’ would go inside her body and wash away all the bad stuff. She added that soap tastes bad if you get it into your mouth, so sometimes the chemo will sort of taste bad, too.

She asked her mom if she remembered the time they talked about thunder storms. Mom said she did. Annie said that sometimes, the inside shower might seem like a thunderstorm going on inside, too. But she was ready!

“Where did you get all that?” her dad asked.

“Like I said, John Henry. He’s my Guardian Angel, you know. He knows stuff!  Can he come with me into the hospital?” The answer was definitely, yes!

And so it began. Treatments went on for quite a while. There were up and downs. There were hiccups. There was pain and discomfort. Annie lost her beautiful hair and, for a while, her appetite. (“It’ll grow back longer,” she said. “Can I have chocolate ice cream?” she asked.) There were times when she did feel scared, though. Mom and Dad did, too.

With all of her treatments, Annie missed school. She liked school, but she really, really missed her friends. Sometimes, they would talk on the phone, and sometimes, they were able to see each other online. They played games, laughed and caught up on schoolwork. In a way, it was fun – but not as much fun as actually playing together or going to school.

Annie also had friends in the hospital, other kids who were also going through one kind of treatment or another. That helped, as well. It was also great to see them get well and go home. It gave Annie some extra courage for her own treatments. Once, one of her hospital friends went home with his Guardian Angel. John Henry told her, very softly and quietly.

But through it all, Annie and her family talked, prayed, hugged, and gave comfort to one another. John Henry stayed by Annie’s side throughout.

Annie had learned about being scared. She had learned about talking, listening, facing fears. She had learned to be strong!  More importantly, she had learned that she was never alone, and that her whole team was with her all the time. She knew that there would be other things in her life which might seem scary, but that with the love and support of her family, she would be able to overcome her fear and not just survive, but grow, laugh, play, pray and THRIVE!

And that’s just what she did.